Dog Puppet Is Superior To Ralph Nader

Highly superior.

When You Lie

It's sometimes better not to be high:

"But on the way to the exam, Ramirez, according to sources, couldn't remember which knee was sore. So the Red Sox had both of his knees examined. The MRIs revealed no damage in either."

TekWatch: Oh No You Didn't

Regarding Red Sox contract negotiations with Jason Varitek:

"Epstein and Scott Boras are far apart on Jason Varitek's monetary value. Boras is looking for a Jorge Posada-type deal (4 years, $52 million). The Sox are . . . "

. . . wondering whether Scott Boras is out of his fucking mind. A Jorge Posada-type deal? Not even Jorge Posada is worth that money. Varitek will be lucky to get 2 years, $16 million, in my view. Well, he would be. Because even to enter negotiations peddling such an insane fantasy is an insult to Theo Epstein, the Red Sox organization, Red Sox nation, unborn future fans, freedom, rationality, and global fucking god damn justice.

TekWatch: Working Class Hero Scott Boras Speaks Out

Jason Varitek's agent Scott Boras has begun to lay out the case that Tek is a valuable catcher. Pull up a chair, preferably with a solid back, and feel the bullshit seep into your pores:

"If you think about his physical conditioning, he's got many more years to play in this game," Boras said. "When he's out there, this club is decisively different. You're really talking about a guy that is inherently valuable. In this day and time, what is a player like that worth?"

Let's take these claims in turn.

If you think about his physical conditioning, he's got many more years to play in this game.

If I think about Curt Schilling's or Cecil Fielder's physical conditioning, those players should never have played the game. If I think about Barry Bonds's physical conditioning, Bonds should be DH'ing right now in the World Series. If, however, I think about actual baseball ability -- the, you know, important thing -- Jason Varitek's not looking so hot. After posting OPS+ numbers around 120 from 2003 to 2005, Tek sunk to 83 in 2006, 103 in 2007, and a miserable 73 this year, at age 36. That's good evidence he's on a serious and irreversable decline.

When he's out there, this club is decisively different.

Unprovable, but here's the evidence the Globe presented: "Over the past three seasons, including playoffs, the Red Sox have a .596 winning percentage in games in which Varitek has appeared and a .508 winning percentage when he did not. This season, the Red Sox went 78-53 with him in the regular season, 17-14 without him." Tek doesn't catch Tim Wakefield, who is the fourth or fifth starter on the Sox. And the catcher who replaces Tek is the backup, who ought to be worse than the alternative everyday player a team could get on the market. Demonstrated Tek effect: 0.

You're really talking about a guy that is inherently valuable.

Unclear what Boras has in mind that's not completely trivial. Jason Varitek, by virtue of being human, is endowed with instrinsic value? Maybe, but you'd have to square his entitlement to human rights with his lone hit in the ALCS, or his frequent swinging strikeouts in which bat and ball are separated by enough space to fit families of cattle from the Argentine pampas.

In this day and time, what is a player like that worth?

Put it this way: I'd start auctioning Tek's beard-clippings on eBay.

Sums up the election

A squabble about World Series loyalty sums up the presidential election. Obama acts perfectly reasonably and with a sense of proportion; McCain distorts Obama's position and reveals his own narrowmindedness; sensible people roll eyes.

Says McCain: “It’s pretty simple really. When [Obama's] campaigning in Philadelphia, he roots for the Phillies, and when he’s campaigning in Tampa Bay, he shows love to the Rays. It’s kind of like the way he campaigns on tax cuts, but then votes for tax increases after he’s elected."

Problems:

1. Obama said he's rooting for the Phillies and not the Rays, which eliminated his hometown White Sox. He just expressed appreciation for the Rays at a rally with several Rays players. He also made light of the fact that baseball is just a game.

2. It's kind of invalid to cite events that might happen in the future as though they've happened already.

Joe the Fucker

No one serious can say it, so I will: Joe the Plumber is a fucking piece of shit.

First he said Barack Obama tap danced "almost as good as Sammy Davis Jr." Today he said: "Vote for a real American, John McCain."

Jack the Blogger has a message for you, Joe, from one real American to another: your asscrack is your most appealing feature. Stick to plumbing.

Is Hank Steinbrenner Ever Wrong?

Not yet. He backed the acquisition of Santana, only to lose out to the "cooler heads" of Cashman and Hal. Now he writes that the multi-division setup isn't fair because bad teams go to the playoffs and good teams don't. He is, as always, transparently self-serving. But he is, as what is looking more and more like always, absolutely right.

Little Stein writes:

The biggest problem is the divisional setup in Major League Baseball. I didn't like it in the 1970s, and I hate it now. Baseball went to a multi-division setup to create more races, rivalries and excitement. But it isn't fair.

You see it this season, with plenty of people in the media pointing out that Joe Torre and the Dodgers are going to the playoffs while we're not. This is by no means a knock on Torre -- let me make that clear -- but look at the division they're in. If L.A. were in the AL East, it wouldn't be in the playoff discussion. The AL East is never weak.

St. Louis winning the World Series -- that was ridiculous. The Cardinals won their division with 83 wins -- two fewer than the Phillies, who missed the postseason. People will say the Cardinals were the best team because they won the World Series. Well, no, they weren't. They just got hot at the right time. They didn't even belong in the playoffs. And neither does a team from the NL West this season.

He also calls revenue sharing a "socialist system" that's un-American. Hank for President? How about Hank for King.

A Schilling divided against itself has no problem standing, eating, talking

Curt Schilling courageously speaks out on Curt Schilling: "The thing about it for me, is, I haven't thrown a freakin' pitch all year, I've been the biggest waste of space, I've been robbing payroll for the entire season, no one feels worse about not contributing than me."

If you're so wracked by guilt, Curt, I'm pretty sure the Red Sox would accept a refund of the $8 million they paid you this year. Action, Curt. Not just words. Try it, just to screw with the natural order of things.

The Assman Cometh, Fieldeth

Bartolo Colon returned yesterday and made this play (click on "Colon backhands"), which might be among my picks for play of the century if I didn't think it resulted from pure luck.

Dear Francisco Rodriguez

Hey, man. Congrats on the saves record. That's pretty cool, capturing the record while performing no better than the fifth best closer in the league, figuring generously.

Allow me to make a suggestion. Your post-save celebrations are kind of a little bit much. That is: they're batshit insane, morally abhorrent, and unbecoming high-order, or even middling order, forms of life. They cause hives to break out on my soul.

Please curtail the arms-to-sky madness, before terrorists weave images of your displays into a recruitment video depicting the wicked permissiveness of American society. Stop it now.

Thanks. I really appreciate it. Keep lodging those saves. You'd totally be my MVP vote if I were under the influence of large quantities of alcohol and larger sums of money.

Regards,

J. Klompus