The Worst Thing Ever Written, Ever

From--you guessed it--Curt Schilling's 38pitches.com:

In 1997 when I gave my life to Christ a pretty cool thing happened. I lost the ability to hate anything or anyone. I’ve gotten mad, said stupid and bad things, but I truly don’t hate anyone or anything. Hating takes way too much energy and effort. There’s way too much to do and experience in life to waste time hating so I just don’t.

I could have put the quote in context, but that wouldn't have made it any less fucking god damn awful.

Surprising / Not Surprising

Today's Surprising / Not Surprising derives from the Boston Globe.

Surprising:

Pedroia led the league [in 2007] in something called BPS on OutZ, which translates to batting average plus slugging percentage on pitches outside the strike zone. Pedroia was listed at .664, just ahead of notorious bad-ball hitter Vladi Guerrero of the Angels (.662). Ramirez was second-worst in the league in the same category at .189.

The minuscule Pedroia hits outside pitches even better than Vlad? Surprising. Manny, one of the best hitters to play the game, and whom my eyes seem to remember landing a lot of hits on bad pitches, was awful outside the strike zone? Double surprising.

Not surprising:

Pedroia also had the second-lowest strikeout-per-plate-appearance average (.072), a category in which Varitek ranked fifth-highest (.236).

Tek strikes out more than Manny trying to pick up women outside a Greenpeace convention. Definitely not surprising.

You Don't Say

Amidst the hoopla over the new Tampa Bay uniforms, Rays adviser and crime dog Fred McGriff pointed out the obvious:

"I think these are great for a change, but the players still have to go out and play the game."

Clearly, McGriff overlooked that the new unis will bring enduring and all-powerful Momentum.

Schilling Says Goodbye

Wonder how those Curt Schilling “goodbye” letters to all his teammates read? Primarily Baseball doesn’t, because it has falsified one. Let’s have a look:

Dear Hidecki Okijima,

I wanted to take this opportunity to say what I fear might be goodbye. Me and my wife Shonda have had a marvelous time playing for the Boston Red Sox, and getting to know you in particular. As I face the prospect of free agency, I wanted to send our regards, and possible heartfelt goodbye, to both you and Mrs. Matsuzaka.

Hidiki, remember all the glories we shared together? I remember coaching you, in spring training, to throw on the corners rather than down the middle. That greatness continued right up to the World Series, where I dubbed your and Papelbon’s combined shutdown relief of my strong outing as the “Papijima” or “Okibon” show! I combined your last names!

Times like those will forever live in the heart of me and my wife Shonda, and our several kids. They sometimes make me forget that you ever bombed Pearl Harbor. Personally, I think people should let the past be the past.

I’ll be sure to give you a ring if I am ever in China. That said, I hope this is not goodbye. Daisuke, if my hopes come true, I will look forward to being your teammate, friend, and mentor next year again.

Warmest regards,
Curt & Shonda Schilling

The Mud Hens Strike Back

If only Sterling and Waldman could opt-out of their contracts. Or lives. Whatever relieves my ears of their daily impression, What An Orgasm Stretched Out Over Three Hours And Rendered As Baseball Announcing Sounds Like.

Point is, the opt-out is my new favorite tool. Through it, A-Rod has managed to unite Sox fans and Yankees fans in hatred of himself. And anyone but Scott Boras should find this stunt pretty awesome.