Schilling Lumbers Off Into the Sunset

Curt Schilling's retirement announcement, with commentary from the very inner conscience of Curt Schilling:

“Turn out the lights, the party’s over”

Rather than simply state I am retiring, I will build this up like a prick. Because I am a self-indulgent prick.

I used to wait with bated breath for Don Meredith to start singing that on “Monday Night Football.” Normally, it was sweet music if the Steelers were playing.

I am a self-indulgent prick.

If I could get him to sing it again, I would. This party has officially ended. After being blessed to experience 23 years of playing professional baseball in front of the world’s best fans in so many different places, it is with zero regrets that I am making my retirement official.

I am a self-indulgent prick.

To say I’ve been blessed would be like calling Refrigerator Perry “a bit overweight.”

It would be like calling Curt Schilling "a bit overweight."

[...]Four World Series, three World Championships. That there are men with plaques in Cooperstown who never experienced one — and I was able to be on three teams over seven years that won it all — is another “beyond my wildest dreams” set of memories I’ll take with me.

I, one pitcher, Curt Schilling, believe I am solely responsible for the championships of all three teams.

The game always gave me far more than I ever gave it. All of those things, every single one of those memories is enveloped with fan sights and sounds for me. Without the fans, they would still be great memories, but none would be enduring and unforgettable because they infused the energy, rage, passion and “feel” of all of those times.

You can tell I'm disingenuous here, because this sentence makes absolutely no fucking sense at all, even for me: "Without the fans, they would still be great memories, but none [fans? memories? experiences?] would be enduring and unforgettable because they [fans? memories? donuts?] infused the energy, rage, passion and “feel” of all of those [wtf????] times." Totally nailed it.

I am and always will be more grateful than any of you could ever possibly know.

I am a sanctimonious prick.

I want to offer two special thank you’s.

To my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ for granting me the ability to step between the lines for 23 years and compete against the best players in the world.

Christ died for most people's sins. But because I have no sins, he died so I could play ball. And yes, my sanctimonious prickness is coming across loud and clear.

To my wife Shonda

I married a hatchback car.

and my 4 children, Gehrig, Gabriella, Grant and Garrison for sacrificing their lives and allowing baseball to be mine while I played. Without their unquestioned support I would not have been able to do what I did, or enjoy the life, and I am hopefully going to live long enough to repay them as much as a Father and Husband can.

See how I know the quantity and names of my children! First letter is always G, that's how I remember. But perhaps I was too forthcoming in acknowledging that my kids "sacrificed their lives" and that I never questioned their support.

Thank you and God Bless
Curt Schilling

Totally nailed it.

A Schilling divided against itself has no problem standing, eating, talking

Curt Schilling courageously speaks out on Curt Schilling: "The thing about it for me, is, I haven't thrown a freakin' pitch all year, I've been the biggest waste of space, I've been robbing payroll for the entire season, no one feels worse about not contributing than me."

If you're so wracked by guilt, Curt, I'm pretty sure the Red Sox would accept a refund of the $8 million they paid you this year. Action, Curt. Not just words. Try it, just to screw with the natural order of things.

Under the Knife: Better than Will Carroll's Version

PECOTA projects a 90 percent chance that Curt Schilling was talking all through surgery.

TekWatch: No Hittahs

Following Jon Lestah's no-no, commentators have lauded Jason Varitek for being first to catch four no-hitters. It's TekWatch's responsibility to make two points:

1. How far is Jason Varitek responsible for a no-hit performance? Depite the furor over Curt Schilling's waving off Varitek before giving up the single that broke up his no-hit bid last year, Lester said he waved off Varitek several times in the ninth inning alone. That said, Varitek has a photographic memory and studies hard, the New York Times reports, although part of the Times's evidence is ostensible sarcasm from Johnny Damon: "I always thought Varitek was amazing — the way he calls a game, the way he prepares, the way he carries around the luggage."

2. Varitek ruined Schilling's no-hit bid last year, tipping pitches to the Athletics' Shannon Stewart, who landed the A's only hit with two out in the ninth. Why? The proof and the motive are one and the same. After every no-hitter he catches, Tek hoists the pitcher high into the air, holding him there so all can see the face of triumph. But, Tek obviously realized, attempting to hoist Curt Schilling, with his marshmallow midsection, could end in embarrassing failure and career-ending injury, if not total paralysis. In tipping off Stewart, Varitek did the only thing he in good conscience could. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how rumors get started.

From everyone at TekWatch, congrats, Jason. You'll always be our Working Class Hero.

Curt Schilling: Profiles in Laziness

So lazy is Curt Schilling qua blogger that in praising Blue Jays pitcher Dustin McGowan -- "The McGowen (sp?) kid has as electric an arm as any young pitcher in the game" -- Schilling decided to leave things at "(sp?)" rather than look the name up. Schilling knew he didn't know how to spell the guy's name. This lack of knowledge bothered Schilling. But instead of finding the correct spelling by, say, searching for "McGowen Jays," a feat that Google performs in exactly .55 seconds, Schilling decided to proclaim to the world "(sp?) -- I feel it's incumbent upon me, as a responsible blogger, to admit I don't know something yet not incumbent upon me to expend the one half-second of effort needed to acquire that knowledge."

Most people would act to correct their misspelling as soon as the misspelling became known to them. Curt Schilling is one of the few people in the world for whom a middle ground of acknowledging but not correcting such minor inaccuracies even exists. When he passes on, Curt Schilling's brain should be flown to Switzerland under military escort so teams of doctors can study its every nook.

"Fritz, it turns out there's a gene for sanctimony."

(Also, random commenter "rachelciprotti" corrects Schilling's spelling of the name of his own teammate: "FYI: It’s Jon Lester, not John =).")

Red Sox Statement on Schilling

From MLB.com, with liberties:

"Curt Schilling was examined by Red Sox doctors in January after he reported feeling right shoulder discomfort. Curt has started a program of rest, rehabilitation and shoulder strengthening in an attempt to return to pitching. He's a huge fucking stubborn fat asshole who won't get surgery and void his contract, so come season's end we will pay him $8 million shit-covered dollars. If you have prior experience dipping dollars in shit, please contact the Boston Red Sox."

This Just, Deliciously, In

Curt Schilling has added bylines to each entry on his blog. Yes, his blog, the one that reads "Curt Schilling’s Official Blog" at the top because only Curt Schilling posts on it. It also has a photo of Schilling pitching, with Schilling's signature. Also, it is named "38 Pitches;" Schilling wears number 38 and is a pitcher.

Maybe I'm being unfair. When a recent post ended its title with just one exclamation point rather than five--without changing fonts in the middle of a single sentence--I did for a moment doubt the identity of the author.

The Worst Thing Ever Written, Ever

From--you guessed it--Curt Schilling's 38pitches.com:

In 1997 when I gave my life to Christ a pretty cool thing happened. I lost the ability to hate anything or anyone. I’ve gotten mad, said stupid and bad things, but I truly don’t hate anyone or anything. Hating takes way too much energy and effort. There’s way too much to do and experience in life to waste time hating so I just don’t.

I could have put the quote in context, but that wouldn't have made it any less fucking god damn awful.

Schilling Says Goodbye

Wonder how those Curt Schilling “goodbye” letters to all his teammates read? Primarily Baseball doesn’t, because it has falsified one. Let’s have a look:

Dear Hidecki Okijima,

I wanted to take this opportunity to say what I fear might be goodbye. Me and my wife Shonda have had a marvelous time playing for the Boston Red Sox, and getting to know you in particular. As I face the prospect of free agency, I wanted to send our regards, and possible heartfelt goodbye, to both you and Mrs. Matsuzaka.

Hidiki, remember all the glories we shared together? I remember coaching you, in spring training, to throw on the corners rather than down the middle. That greatness continued right up to the World Series, where I dubbed your and Papelbon’s combined shutdown relief of my strong outing as the “Papijima” or “Okibon” show! I combined your last names!

Times like those will forever live in the heart of me and my wife Shonda, and our several kids. They sometimes make me forget that you ever bombed Pearl Harbor. Personally, I think people should let the past be the past.

I’ll be sure to give you a ring if I am ever in China. That said, I hope this is not goodbye. Daisuke, if my hopes come true, I will look forward to being your teammate, friend, and mentor next year again.

Warmest regards,
Curt & Shonda Schilling