BushChat: Evidence of Mental Activity Disturbingly Ample

Remember George W. Bush? He's the U.S. President. Known for his quick thinking – so quick it can be mistaken for the total absence of thinking – Bush invaded Iraq because, apparently, God told him to and his gut told him to, which kind of means George W. Bush believes the all-powerful Creator of the Universe resides in his digestive organs.

Bush, you will recall, gained the experience necessary to be Governor of Texas by owning the Texas Rangers. He's not doing much these days, so he was interviewed partly about baseball. Wait, just wait, till you read all his wild claims, his faulty premises, his God-gut thinking on the game of baseball:

Q: Mr. President, you're a Major League Baseball team owner again. Everyone is a free agent. You have a Yankees-like wallet. Who is your first position player? Who's your pitcher?

THE PRESIDENT: That's a great question. I like [Chase Utley] from the Philadelphia Phillies. He's a middle infielder, which is always – you know, they say you have strength up the middle – there's nothing better than having a good person up the middle that can hit. And Roy Halladay from the Toronto Blue Jays is a great pitcher. He's a steady guy, he burns up innings. And I'm sure I'm leaving some other good ones out, but those –

Okay, there's a folksy-sounding phrase about having strength up the middle, and Halladay's injuries in 2004 and 2005 make me project him as less steady than, say, Johan Santana. But Bush's are good picks backed by sound reasoning. Good-hitting middle infielders are rare and therefore particularly valuable if you're picking only one position player, because replacement-level corner basemen hit better than their middle-infielder counterparts. Utley, in particular, is awesome. Halladay wouldn't be my first choice of pitcher, but he's in the discussion. Bush is right that Halladay eats up innings, pitching seven complete games in 2007.

In sum: George W. Bush's brain is awake, and it's eating our President.

Indeed the interviewer, hitherto treated to Bush’s incoherent ravings on politics, was taken aback by the sudden lucidity:

Q: We thought you were going to go A-Rod, Josh Beckett.

THE PRESIDENT: Josh Beckett is good, yes, he's real good, too. I mean, look, that's a tough question to answer on the fly like this, Michael.

That's a tough question to answer on the fly, Bush said. Bush admitted that his knowledge and judgment have limits. He implied he would have to scrutinize evidence, weigh competing arguments, think carefully, in order to make a decision in which he could be confident.

Clearly, this is not George W. Bush. The White House has outfitted an intern with a Bush mask to grant interviews while the real Bush naps wistfully beside his two dogs. "Laugh at your own jokes," they told the intern. "Don't think; just speak. Say freedom a lot."

Alas, on the topic of baseball, the intern’s common sense finally shone through.

(Shamless joke theft: Could this intern be the famous Bill Fremp of Edgewood, KY? Just as Fremp was fired from JoeChat duties at ESPN, Bush suddenly started making sense after eight years of spewing piffle. The coincidence is just too great. Or is Fremp's younger brother Skip expanding the family business? Skip Fremp. Also of Edgewood, KY. Known as the "dumb brother," he didn't attend college. So while Bill landed a job at ESPN, Skip went into politics.)

Q: Now, Mr. President, I wonder if you think that Major League Baseball is doing enough to combat steroids use, and specifically, would you favor a blood test to check for human growth hormone. As you know the players union says it's an unwarranted

THE PRESIDENT: Yes, look, I think what they need to do is to come to an agreement and to assure fans like me that the sport is clean. I mean, I –

Q: But what would that take?

THE PRESIDENT: Well, I haven't studied all the particulars and all the testing.

Again. George W. Bush recognizes the need to study particulars. This from the man who, when warned by Colin Powell as to what could go wrong in an invasion of Iraq, responded: "You know what I just realized – your name is Colin. And your last name rhymes with bowel. You're nearly Colon Bowel! That's so assy." Then he scratched himself and left the room.

But I do know they need to get this era behind them quickly. Baseball is a fabulous sport. I used to say it's a sport played by normal-sized people. It turns out some of these normal-sized people are obviously very strong and very quick, but nevertheless, normal-size – you don't have to be a huge guy to play baseball. And it's a great family sport, and it needs to be cleaned up.

This is starting to sound like the rambly Dubya we know and mock. The main issue reminded him of something else, "normal-sized people," which he began to rant about without reference to the main issue. Anyway, although you don't have to be a huge guy to play good baseball, you certainly can be huge; bulk helps in hitting home runs.

And he never answers the question. Then again, it's a stupid question that's not his business to answer. So bravo, kind of.

Q: And there haven't been enough normal-sized people.

Way to subtly prod him into criticizing baseball for steroid usage. Will the "President" bite?

THE PRESIDENT: Well, there's – yes, there are a lot of normal-sized people. I mean, there's a lot of little dudes who can play the game and play it well.

Nothing doing! Bush/Fremp evades the journalist's gambit, masterfully deploying broken grammar and odd colloquialism to distract us from the thrust of the question!

George W. Bush, Bill or Skip Fremp – whoever you are, you don't fool this citizen.