Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Alex Rodriguez Is A Fearsome, Hulking Pussy

While news of A-Rod's fainting during the delivery of his child has united Yankees and Red Sox fans in mockery, another juicy nugget has gone less noticed. Here's how A-Rod describes meeting his future robo-wife Cynthia, at a Miami gym: "I scouted her out for a month....I wanted to see her routine, and I wanted to see what time she came in, see how consistent she was. And sure enough, she was like a machine. She would come in right after work and get on the treadmill and do her abs. And finally, I build enough courage after about 3 1/2 weeks. And I said, 'I know you are going to go do some abs after, and do you mind if I join you?'"

In 1996, the year he met Cynthia, A-Rod finished second in MVP voting, OPSing 1.045. He barely had the balls just to approach this Godzilla woman. I'm an 80-year-old fictional TV character and I'll hit on any 23-year-old chick my nearsighted eyes allow me to spot. My prostate is the size of a grapefruit. I don't know I've urinated until my feet feel wet. A-Rod, by contrast, was a drippingly virile 20 years of age, poised to earn hundreds of millions of dollars. American dollars. A-Rod has no game whatsoever.

In the time it takes A-Rod to introduce himself to a woman, Derek Jeter would fuck her and her hot friends, give them all herpes, and obtain a restraining order against them, not because they were stalking him but just because he didn't want to accidentally run into them and re-fuck them when he could plow so many new fine pieces of ass.

Even when he's moving on two women at once, A-Rod looks like he's hoping to impress them enough so they will agree to see his collection of model trains.

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