TekWatch: Tek Cleans

Tek finally shows his true worth: as a cleaner of lockers, not to mention a wearer of sweaters that are wrong at any price.

Maybe that's why teammates love him. I'd have no problem telling others about the preternatural pitch-calling ability, or really whatever, of anyone who cleaned up my shit every day.

Actually, I would pay her slightly below minimum wage and ignore her lack of green card until she stole something I cared about. But still.

Christ Opts Out

After propelling the Colorado Rockies to late-season success that fell short of a World Series championship, Jesus Christ left the Rockies this afternoon.

Repeated Christ: "I died for their sins, and they can't win me one World Series fucking ballgame?"

Christ reserved his harshest criticism for manager Clint Hurdle. Hurdle, Christ said, "lacks zeal."

"Clint Hurdle is lucky he's in fucking baseball," said Christ.

Though primarily irate, Christ sprinkled in jokes and self-critique, noting that "this is what I get" for pinning hopes on "some cocksucker named Troy Tulowitzki."

Following in the footsteps of Alex Rodriguez, Christ will opt-out of his contract with the Rockies, meaning he is now a free agent. Scott Boras, Jesus' agent, expects the savior to garner a lucrative contract. But Christ himself declined to discuss his future, simply repeating that he was sure Tulowitzki is homosexual.

Jesus

It has become apparent that Jesus Christ himself wants the prayer-happy Rockies to lose the World Series in four games to the infidel Red Sox.

Sound retarded? You bet your ass.

I quote the "logic":

What an amazing witness for the transformative power of Jesus would it be if the Rockies doused the Sox in champagne and celebrated their victory and praised God all the time. That would make people wonder about Jesus.

In fact, when the Rockies lose in four games, no one will give a shit whether the Rockies applaud or sacrifice their first-born. Still, I vote for the latter.

TekWatch: Profiling Tek, Working Class Hero

It didn’t take long this postseason for the Tek Kool-Aid to look good and sugary. Let’s get to it.

Heart of the Order: Jason Varitek

Careful readers always check MLB.com’s ample footnotes; the one here clarifies that “heart of the order” means below the heart of the order, near the tubes that discharge excrement like Julio Lugo.

When you mention the word "leader" in baseball circles, the image of Jason Varitek probably comes to mind first in the minds of many.

If you mean the many who think first of the bottom of the leader list, then float up to the middle, and back down, then yes, Jason Varitek pops to fucking mind.

Since [Varitek became starting catcher in 1999], the Red Sox are 14-3 in potential elimination games, and it isn't a reach to point to Varitek's leadership and refusal to panic as a reason for that impressive mark.

It isn’t a reach if you’re listing every possible factor. Then again, it isn’t a reach to think that the Sox might be 15-2, 16-1, or 17-0 if they had a catcher who could hit the ball really well.

High school and college students probably don't use as many loose-leaf binders as Varitek, who is a picture in preparation. Varitek doesn't just study scouting reports -- he breaks them down and dissects them.

This is the most compelling evidence I’ve seen. Let’s see if there’s any evidence that this preparation makes a significant difference in Red Sox pitching performances.

When Josh Beckett arrived at Spring Training this season, coming off a disappointing 2006, he was asked if there was a lesson he learned that he could convey to the newcomer of this year, Daisuke Mastuzaka. "If I could tell Matsuzaka anything, it would be, 'Trust 'Tek’”….All that trust later, Beckett had a dominant regular season, winning 20 games, and his brilliant postseason work has fueled the Red Sox to the World Series. It further exemplifies the type of things that can happen when pitchers put their faith in their so-called "guide."

After all those binders, Varitek realized in 2007 that Josh Beckett should once in a while throw one of those shit-kicking curveballs he, you know, has in his arsenal of pitches. Tek’s a little slow, but so methodical. Or maybe Beckett did not throw any curves in 2006 because of blisters on his hand! Which factor could matter more?

Excuse me. I’m having a sargasm. I just can’t get over the dominance of Jason Varitek, Working Class Hero. When you work hard and don’t shave, nothing can stand in your way. Someday you, too, boys and girls, by the grace of the mediocrity God gave you, can get credit for things that are mostly the doing of others.

Along with wife Karen, Varitek has become a fixture in community endeavors. This season, he hosted the second annual Jason Varitek Celebrity Putt-Putt Tournament, with proceeds going to Boston Children's Hospital.

If it’s the Jason Varitek Celebrity Putt-Putt Tournament, who are the celebrities? The guy who used to buff the floor of the Boston Garden before Celtics games?

Seriously, Tek's smart. It’s hard to swing and miss in putt-putt.

For the last four years, Varitek has run a "Tek's 33" program, in which kids from Children's Hospital come to Fenway Park and meet Varitek, while enjoying batting practice and watching a game.

Our Working Class Hero is also a Pretty Nice Guy. I just hope the kids get to see Manny Ramirez so they don’t leave disappointed.

Irony Alert

A-Rod named the clutchiest player?

But I thought in clutch situations A-Rod curled up into a multi-million-dollar ball that only Derek Jeter's gentle massaging could decongeal.

I suppose it's fitting: not only is this a fake, Pepsi-sponsored, fan-voted award, but the value the award honors, clutchitudeness, is pretty bogus too.

Problem with Karma

If the Rockies win the series, it will of course be because they are the team of destiny, and their incredible hotness carried them past a clearly superior team. If they lose, it will of course be because their long lay-off sapped them of their momentum.

What I can guarantee you will not see is claims of the form "the Rockies maintained their momentum and great play, but unfortunately ran into a better team whose superior execution outweighed the Rockies momentum" or "The Rockies lost their momentum and played quite poorly, but luckily for them the meltdowns of Daisuke Matsuzaka and Jon Lester, and the subpar performance of Curt Schilling allowed them to sneak by and claim the crown." That is because, of course, there is no way judging karmic forces except by results; if they were real, than the last two scenarios would certainly be possible, and not even that implausible. Karma is a massive bullshit dump for sportswriters to anoint heroes and villains and for athletes to make people think they are better people than the rest of us.

Personally, I am just looking forward to the best teams of their respective leagues meeting tonight. No magic necessary.

Introducing TekWatch

This is the first in a series of TekWatch posts, which point out the many manifestations of Jason Varitek's overratedness.

"Tek" is the Red Sox catcher. By objective standards, Tek is mediocre to mediocre-good: his on-base percentage is a barely above average .350, his slugging has fallen to the low .400s, his arm is nothing special, and he strikes out as often as Tom Brady gets laid, which, obviously, is all the fucking time. He can't even catch Tim Wakefield's knuckleball, or refuses to, and certainly refuses to learn. This forces the Sox to retain Doug Mirabelli, who makes Varitek look like Jesus Christ himself has squatted down to catch the baseball.

But screw objective standards. Tek is beloved. Why? I put this question to Red Sox fans, even before they got plastered for the night/afternoon. They invariably gave one of two responses:

1. He is the team "captain." Why, you can see it right there on his uniform, marked by a gigantic "C"! That must mean something?!

It means he's got "C" on his uniform where a blank space ought to be.

2. He is a great pitch caller. No one calls pitches like Tek.

Isn't the pitcher mostly in charge of pitching? I've never heard of any other catcher being assessed primarily by his ability or inability to call pitches. Maybe Varitek does call pitches well, but who the hell knows? And if he's got such a great sense for fooling batters, why does he strike out as often as high school girls used to reject Dustin Pedroia?

With that preamble, I present the inaugural TekWatch. Like so many things dumb, today's TekWatch quote is brought to us by MLB.com:

So what changed that put Boston over the top this year?
One difference was that Boston's starting rotation had three pitchers with at least 15 wins this year and the club's bullpen was the best in the league. . . .The Red Sox also avoided major injuries this year, unlike last year when they lost captain Jason Varitek to knee surgery in August and had a bunch of other core players out at the same time.

Those unnamed "other core players" include Manny Ramirez. Manny Fucking God Damn Ramirez. One of the top players of all time. Wikipedia notes that Ramirez missed 28 games starting in August. Sounds close, and if I trusted Wikipedia for my college thesis, I'm trusting Wikipedia for this.

Manny FGD Ramirez is an "other core player" compared to Jason Varitek. That's like saying the war in Iraq was launched by Poland and some other core nations.

____________________

* Update in response to reader comments:

Thanks for the kind comments. I am intrigued by the idea that people who dislike my criticism of Varitek also want me to spell his name right as I criticize him. So I've made the correction.

Let me note, in all seriousness, that Varitek, while not a great catcher, is a good one. He ranked fifth among major league catchers in VORP this year, clocking in at 23.4. I'm skeptical that his supposed "pitch calling" ability makes much of a difference, I'm highly skeptical that 99% of the people who laud Tek's pitch calling ability are in a position to know anything about the subject, and I'd love to hear evidence in support of Tek's pitch calling making a difference, but unless his pitch calling shaves a half-run off every pitcher's ERA, my point stands. Tek's reputation outstrips his ability. Given all the great players on the Red Sox, Tek t-shirts are way too popular, and Manny Ramirez shirts, for starters, too rare. The upshot is some funny remarks that make out Varitek to be the star of the Sox. These remarks TekWatch will expose and mock, invoking profanity in excess. Onward!

Earl Weaver, God

This is so great, it deserves its own post.

Ump: "You are a liar, Earl!"
Earl: "You are!"
Ump: "A liar!"
Earl: "You are! You are!"

My only worry is that "God" doesn't go far enough.

PS: And this one. It may be even better. By gosh, it is. Earl Weaver: Much, Much Better than God.

PPS: It's not even fucking close.

Why I (Still) Hate J.D. Drew

Will Leitch argues that fans hate J.D. Drew because he seems indifferent. Leitch (over)writes, "More than being money-hungry, more than being loud and obnoxious, more than being a felonious boor, the one athletic transgression we cannot forgive is indifference."

Actually, Boston fans hate J.D. Drew because he hasn't been very good. He's been average, for an unaverage salary of $70 million. An apparent attitude of indifference may be icing on the cake, but I promise, had he hit .323 and slugged .613--as he did in 2001--Boston fans would overlook his failure to slam his helmet and curse god whenever he makes an out.

His five-RBI game six notwithstanding, J.D. Drew has hit pretty damn lamely this year. That's why he'll always be "Nancy" to me--until he performs better.

More broadly, I'm sick of hearing about the supposed power of cosmic and karmic forces in baseball. The Red Sox "lack energy;" the Red Sox "have energy." The Indians had mountains of "momentum" after three straight wins--which somehow the Red Sox overcame. Probably because the Sox are so "confident" and have "been there before." Fox's broadcasters spent much of game five of the ALCS alternately delivering paeans to "postseason experience" and pining for not-even-rookie Jacoby Ellsbury to start game six in center field.

Attitude doesn't matter nearly as much as conventional wisdom thinks it does, and fans don't care nearly as much about it as conventional wisdom thinks they do. If attitude were the only thing discernible about baseball, it might warrant substantial discussion. But that is so far from the case. Baseball is fascinating game, rich in statistics that yield objective information about player talent. Attitude, I grant you, may be the only thing discernible about baseball to blowhards and idiots. The least they could do is shut up, or not be hired.

Twerp

In game 4 two nights ago, Dustin Pedroia took what I thought was an extremely awkward slide into first attempting to avoid a tag from Victor Martinez on a routine ground ball to first; he sort of fell down head first into the ball. This is one of the few occasions where a player actually should slide into first, but I remember wondering why he didn't go in feet first. It appears, in retrospect, that he was doing an imitation of Boston's favorite role model.