Schilling Lumbers Off Into the Sunset

Curt Schilling's retirement announcement, with commentary from the very inner conscience of Curt Schilling:

“Turn out the lights, the party’s over”

Rather than simply state I am retiring, I will build this up like a prick. Because I am a self-indulgent prick.

I used to wait with bated breath for Don Meredith to start singing that on “Monday Night Football.” Normally, it was sweet music if the Steelers were playing.

I am a self-indulgent prick.

If I could get him to sing it again, I would. This party has officially ended. After being blessed to experience 23 years of playing professional baseball in front of the world’s best fans in so many different places, it is with zero regrets that I am making my retirement official.

I am a self-indulgent prick.

To say I’ve been blessed would be like calling Refrigerator Perry “a bit overweight.”

It would be like calling Curt Schilling "a bit overweight."

[...]Four World Series, three World Championships. That there are men with plaques in Cooperstown who never experienced one — and I was able to be on three teams over seven years that won it all — is another “beyond my wildest dreams” set of memories I’ll take with me.

I, one pitcher, Curt Schilling, believe I am solely responsible for the championships of all three teams.

The game always gave me far more than I ever gave it. All of those things, every single one of those memories is enveloped with fan sights and sounds for me. Without the fans, they would still be great memories, but none would be enduring and unforgettable because they infused the energy, rage, passion and “feel” of all of those times.

You can tell I'm disingenuous here, because this sentence makes absolutely no fucking sense at all, even for me: "Without the fans, they would still be great memories, but none [fans? memories? experiences?] would be enduring and unforgettable because they [fans? memories? donuts?] infused the energy, rage, passion and “feel” of all of those [wtf????] times." Totally nailed it.

I am and always will be more grateful than any of you could ever possibly know.

I am a sanctimonious prick.

I want to offer two special thank you’s.

To my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ for granting me the ability to step between the lines for 23 years and compete against the best players in the world.

Christ died for most people's sins. But because I have no sins, he died so I could play ball. And yes, my sanctimonious prickness is coming across loud and clear.

To my wife Shonda

I married a hatchback car.

and my 4 children, Gehrig, Gabriella, Grant and Garrison for sacrificing their lives and allowing baseball to be mine while I played. Without their unquestioned support I would not have been able to do what I did, or enjoy the life, and I am hopefully going to live long enough to repay them as much as a Father and Husband can.

See how I know the quantity and names of my children! First letter is always G, that's how I remember. But perhaps I was too forthcoming in acknowledging that my kids "sacrificed their lives" and that I never questioned their support.

Thank you and God Bless
Curt Schilling

Totally nailed it.

Introducing TekWatch

This is the first in a series of TekWatch posts, which point out the many manifestations of Jason Varitek's overratedness.

"Tek" is the Red Sox catcher. By objective standards, Tek is mediocre to mediocre-good: his on-base percentage is a barely above average .350, his slugging has fallen to the low .400s, his arm is nothing special, and he strikes out as often as Tom Brady gets laid, which, obviously, is all the fucking time. He can't even catch Tim Wakefield's knuckleball, or refuses to, and certainly refuses to learn. This forces the Sox to retain Doug Mirabelli, who makes Varitek look like Jesus Christ himself has squatted down to catch the baseball.

But screw objective standards. Tek is beloved. Why? I put this question to Red Sox fans, even before they got plastered for the night/afternoon. They invariably gave one of two responses:

1. He is the team "captain." Why, you can see it right there on his uniform, marked by a gigantic "C"! That must mean something?!

It means he's got "C" on his uniform where a blank space ought to be.

2. He is a great pitch caller. No one calls pitches like Tek.

Isn't the pitcher mostly in charge of pitching? I've never heard of any other catcher being assessed primarily by his ability or inability to call pitches. Maybe Varitek does call pitches well, but who the hell knows? And if he's got such a great sense for fooling batters, why does he strike out as often as high school girls used to reject Dustin Pedroia?

With that preamble, I present the inaugural TekWatch. Like so many things dumb, today's TekWatch quote is brought to us by MLB.com:

So what changed that put Boston over the top this year?
One difference was that Boston's starting rotation had three pitchers with at least 15 wins this year and the club's bullpen was the best in the league. . . .The Red Sox also avoided major injuries this year, unlike last year when they lost captain Jason Varitek to knee surgery in August and had a bunch of other core players out at the same time.

Those unnamed "other core players" include Manny Ramirez. Manny Fucking God Damn Ramirez. One of the top players of all time. Wikipedia notes that Ramirez missed 28 games starting in August. Sounds close, and if I trusted Wikipedia for my college thesis, I'm trusting Wikipedia for this.

Manny FGD Ramirez is an "other core player" compared to Jason Varitek. That's like saying the war in Iraq was launched by Poland and some other core nations.

____________________

* Update in response to reader comments:

Thanks for the kind comments. I am intrigued by the idea that people who dislike my criticism of Varitek also want me to spell his name right as I criticize him. So I've made the correction.

Let me note, in all seriousness, that Varitek, while not a great catcher, is a good one. He ranked fifth among major league catchers in VORP this year, clocking in at 23.4. I'm skeptical that his supposed "pitch calling" ability makes much of a difference, I'm highly skeptical that 99% of the people who laud Tek's pitch calling ability are in a position to know anything about the subject, and I'd love to hear evidence in support of Tek's pitch calling making a difference, but unless his pitch calling shaves a half-run off every pitcher's ERA, my point stands. Tek's reputation outstrips his ability. Given all the great players on the Red Sox, Tek t-shirts are way too popular, and Manny Ramirez shirts, for starters, too rare. The upshot is some funny remarks that make out Varitek to be the star of the Sox. These remarks TekWatch will expose and mock, invoking profanity in excess. Onward!