Before You Attack Me, Know That Jesus Told Me To Post This

Excessive Google searches capped by bold inferences indicate that it's been an offseason of change for Big Papi. David Ortiz is now white, balding, a tremendous fan of Jesus Christ, and a deliciously awkward writer.

About David Ortiz Ministries: " . . . In conclusion, having traveled throughout Europe, the Middle East, the Caribbean, the Continental United States and Latin America, David Ortiz is, without doubt, one of our most cherished, talented and theologically prepared Hispanic assets."

As the Red Sox slugger embarks on his new journey, Primarily Baseball extends its best wishes to David and his familial assets.

Christ Opts Out

After propelling the Colorado Rockies to late-season success that fell short of a World Series championship, Jesus Christ left the Rockies this afternoon.

Repeated Christ: "I died for their sins, and they can't win me one World Series fucking ballgame?"

Christ reserved his harshest criticism for manager Clint Hurdle. Hurdle, Christ said, "lacks zeal."

"Clint Hurdle is lucky he's in fucking baseball," said Christ.

Though primarily irate, Christ sprinkled in jokes and self-critique, noting that "this is what I get" for pinning hopes on "some cocksucker named Troy Tulowitzki."

Following in the footsteps of Alex Rodriguez, Christ will opt-out of his contract with the Rockies, meaning he is now a free agent. Scott Boras, Jesus' agent, expects the savior to garner a lucrative contract. But Christ himself declined to discuss his future, simply repeating that he was sure Tulowitzki is homosexual.