Doug Mirabelli, Don't Think You're Special, Because You Suck

As the Red Sox were going through introductions, they wen[t] through the catchers, finishing with Doug Mirabelli. Mirabelli, wearing a black shirt and dark coat, rather than the uniforms worn by the rest, got a big ovation, turned and saluted the crowd. He then got his ring, and walked back into the dugout, instead of going to stand in the infield with the other members of the current Red Sox. (Boston Globe)

Doug Mirabelli, you stink. Bad. Your OBP last year, .278, would have been merely decent as a batting average. No one whose opinion is worth caring about cares about you. So spare us further demonstrations, retreat to Back Bay or wherever the fuck, and see if you can't use your shiny new World Series ring—which you got because you wound up on the same team as David Ortiz, Manny Ramirez, and Josh Beckett—to seduce skeezie middle-aged women for whom orthodonture is something they heard of, once, but don't remember what it means.

Red Sox Roundup

Headline: "Colon to be examined tomorrow."

Curt Schilling lists his own charity website as being http://www.curt'spitch.org/ even though websites can't have apostrophes.

Girls in pink Red Sox hats but are also pretty sane—if you exist, you don't want to read this. Jacoby Ellsbury was raised a Mormon. Primarily Baseball will enshrine in its illustrious Hall of Fame the first fan who proves whether Ellsbury dons Mormon underwear but who—this is crucial—doesn't tell us how the proof was obtained.

The Sox Shop Tokyo

From Tokyo, Kevin Youkilis reports: "We just tried to look for stuff, but we really didn't buy much because we found out it's very expensive. We saw a lot of stuff that we can get in the States for cheaper. Hopefully we'll get a chance to get some Japanese culture stuff later on in the trip."

It's the Boston Red Sox and they can't afford to buy anything in Japan? Did anyone tell Kevin Youkilis that the $40,000 stipend each player (and coach) got for this trip is equal to like 1.5 billion trillion bazillion yen? And that the prices of things, while large in number, are also in yen? Meaning that things really aren't so much? And affordable on a $40-fucking-god-damn-000 week's stipend, on top of their preexisting fucking tremendous salary? What are the Red Sox shopping for?

Youkilis: Manny, we've got to get this. A beautiful geisha, with a Blu-Ray player coming out of her vagina.

Ramirez: Naw, man, we can get that shit for cheap back home.

The Sox are Screwed

After all, you can't lose the best baseball player ever and still expect to succeed.

Manny Ramirez, Possibly Not Very Intellectual

Not since Germany last invaded Poland has the news been so troubling. MLB reports that Manny Ramirez has changed. This year he is eating vegetables, meditating, and reading The Secret, a New Age motivational book that renders Ramirez one notch away from the final descent into Scientology:

"I like it. I don't need to read a whole book to know what it's about. It's about this," he said, pointing to his head. "It's about what you want. If I come to you and tell you I want to take you to my house and cook you a steak, then you'll know. Because what it is is if you think positive stuff, all the positive stuff is going to come to you. Making things happen for yourself. Hey, that's what it's all about. If you said to yourself, 'Oh, I'm tired today, brother.' Then you're going to be tired all day. That's it. That's what it's all about."

Manny goes on to affirm that all he does is read while, at the same time, not reading: "That's all I do is read, read, read, read, read . . . I love it. I haven't finished [the book yet], but I don't need to. I love it. I already know what it's all about."

The Boston Red Sox will finish in last place.

Greg Mankiw Flaunts His Douchebaggery For Us All

From Greg Mankiw's blog: "The best sentence . . . I have read so far today is from Brian Hollar: 'I was talking with a professor here at GMU and another PhD student recently and all three of us agreed that after earning all the advanced degrees, nearly everything you ultimately use in economics, you learn in Mankiw.'"

I was talking with some of my ex-girlfriends recently and all of them agreed that after fucking a number of other men, they realized that fucking me was the only real sexual experience they've ever had, thanks to my massive cock and expert technique, and from now on they never need to fuck again, only to think of me pounding them in every orifice.

Red Sox Statement on Schilling

From MLB.com, with liberties:

"Curt Schilling was examined by Red Sox doctors in January after he reported feeling right shoulder discomfort. Curt has started a program of rest, rehabilitation and shoulder strengthening in an attempt to return to pitching. He's a huge fucking stubborn fat asshole who won't get surgery and void his contract, so come season's end we will pay him $8 million shit-covered dollars. If you have prior experience dipping dollars in shit, please contact the Boston Red Sox."

This Just, Deliciously, In

Curt Schilling has added bylines to each entry on his blog. Yes, his blog, the one that reads "Curt Schilling’s Official Blog" at the top because only Curt Schilling posts on it. It also has a photo of Schilling pitching, with Schilling's signature. Also, it is named "38 Pitches;" Schilling wears number 38 and is a pitcher.

Maybe I'm being unfair. When a recent post ended its title with just one exclamation point rather than five--without changing fonts in the middle of a single sentence--I did for a moment doubt the identity of the author.

Hold On, Twins!

Before you, Twins, sign on the dotted line--trading probably the best pitcher in baseball for an outfielder and three pitching prospects, the centerpiece being 18 years old, an age at which he might become a quite fine ballplayer or might instead run off with his girlfriend of three months to live out the rest of his days amongst the Bushmen of the Kalahari--please consider my offer.

For Johan Santana, I will deliver a you "grab bag" of eight young, male Cuban refugees. There's a decent chance a few of them could go on to play ball.

I'm not sure how I'll get them in the country. And I don't yet have a baseball team. For Johan Santana, I can figure out the details. As long as you're giving away Santana for youths brimming with verve--though perhaps not facial hair--you've got to like my offer over the Mets' mere four-prospect deal. For every Met, you would get two fresh Cubans. If you drive a hard bargain, I'll make sure they really look like ballplayers.

TekWatch: Avast Ye Matey

I cannot construct a sentence about this picture in my own mind without a Katrina of laughter demolishing the effort.

So here's a stream of consciousness, Ulysses-style word association about the captain-on-captain action:

• homosexual
• homosexual
• not that there's anything wrong with it
• okay there does appear to be something wrong with it in this context what with the hooks and swords and tek's opportunity to use any new tricks on papelbon
• really very homosexual